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It's true! Scientists who used to work for the Soviet military, but since the collapse of the USSR have found themselves without jobs and eating leftover lettuce leaves from dustbins at the back of Moscow's Macdonald's burger bars, have reverse engineered the new Viaccess pc2.4 cards.


A spokesman for Viaccess said: "Those bastard Russians! Why can't they feed their scientists? Now we're really fucked. I dunno what I'm gonna do.


"If things get much worse, I'll find myself working for those dopey twats at TPS. Oh fuck, this is bad."


Meanwhile, rumours are rife that Albanian goat farmers pissed off cos they can't watch porn of a night when they get home from a hard day with their herds have made the first crack in Seca2.


Spokesman for the underground goat hackers group Adil Hoxha said: "It was a piece of piss really . . . a few S-boxes to recalculate, bit of superencryption, fuck all really. I get more trouble with me goats."


Both D+ and CSD have refused to comment on news that the hack will be made public with days.


With all these new systems falling, speculation is high among the satellite hobbyist community that maybe old leviathans like Conax and NDS Videoguard will also fall. We rang up Sky and Rupert Murdoch happened to be there stooping a secretary. Fortunately, he's only got ten seconds of humpty in him, so we were able to wait and get a comment.


Asked if he was worried Sky might be next to take it up the shitter, Mr Murdoch commented: "No fucking way, m8. Anyone screws with me and I'll fuck their mother, sister and pet budgie. No worries, m8. Now fuck off!"


Clearly he's a worried man.


This report was brought to you by Satellite Hackers Information Team

In het land der zwartkijkers is drie-oog koning.

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Guest jimmypeebody

Thank goodnes there are people out there like you, bringing all the latest news to us all.


ps. do you have the address of the goat herders sales department.


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